Starring: Taylor Kitsch, Liam Neeson, Alexander Skarsgaard
Overall Rating: 48.6
There's a few words that come to mind after viewing Battleship, but one stands out: terrifying. It's terrifying to know that there were as many people involved in the production of this film as there were, not one of whom able to recognize just how horrible it was. When a script that involved a naval battleship power-sliding across the ocean using nothing but its anchor, nobody thought to say "Hey, that's completely retarded". When casting agents said "You know who would make a bad-ass naval officer? Rihanna", nobody thought to second guess that. And when a movie executive was given the cast, script, director, and even premise of the film, they not only green-lit the project, but gave it 220 million dollars to make. Again, terrifying.
Let's start with the story: a down on his luck 26 year old (Kitsch) living in Hawaii gets in trouble one too many times, so his Navy career-minded brother (Skarsgaard) tells him to join up so he can keep an eye on the miscreant and hopefully turn his life around. Cut to just a few short years later, and not only does our hero have a new haircut (which means he's reformed now!!), but he's worked his way up to a Lieutenant title, despite still always being late and not responsible at all.
Well wouldn't you know it, on the day a multinational war-games exercise is about to take place, our hero gets in trouble for the last time and is set to be kicked out of the Navy. Darn the luck! But since he's already on one of the boats, we'll let him stay for now (because why not let an officer in charge of enough munitions to destroy a small country stay in charge of said weapons even after you've told him he's about to get fired?). As the exercises commence, a swarm of alien machines crash into the ocean set on destroying the earth and blah blah blah. The hero rises to the challenge, earth is saved, we've heard this song a hundred times before.
What makes Battleship stand out as a truly remarkable piece of crap, is just how hard it tries to be the ultimate popcorn movie. Hunky leading man? Check. Respected actor (Neeson) we can put in the credits without giving more than 10 minutes of screen time? Check. Pop star? Check. Ridiculously out of place, big breasted supermodel? Check. 'Splosions? Check.
The whole movie essentially plays out like a terribly done propaganda movie for the US Navy (which it likely was). Swooping shots of carriers, grizzled seamen from the era of diesel destroyers, spiffy white uniforms all get they're time to shine bright on screen.
You also get the feeling that whoever was in charge of the soundtrack was given at least $5 million of that $220 million budget. Admittedly, there are some great rock songs that play throughout the movie. The suckiness comes from the fact that they use one of these songs for EVERY scene change. It feels like in a 5 minute span of the film, there could be 4 scenes, and 4 different rock anthems playing in between each.
Then there's the acting. Oh lordy, the acting. There's really not a bright spot in the entire film, except maybe the CGI actors in charge of the aliens. They got off the best, because nobody was able to identify who they are and that they were associated with this steamer. As mentioned, the film was likely a propaganda piece for the US Navy, and unfortunately that meant the producers sought after real-life military heroes to play roles, including Col. Gregory Gadson. Gadson is an above-the-knee amputee and real life hero and motivational speaker. But an actor, the good Colonel is not. Despite this, he still gets line after cliched line to regurgitate and it just makes the entire process unpleasant. All of his scenes are with Brooklyn Decker, and she comes across looking like Meryl Streep next to him.
The lone bright spot comes from the special effects. The audio team does a stellar job of conveying the boom of a shell being fired from a battleship, as well as with the alien technology. The visuals do nothing to add to the story or overall tone of the film, but also aren't cringe-worthy either.
In short, there's very little to recommend with Battleship. In a lot of cases with big budget popcorn flicks, I can see the draw for certain types of film-goers. But even fans of films like Transformers or anything starring Jason Statham would undoubtedly finish a viewing of this film with a horrific taste in their mouth, and that's saying something.
Individual Ratings
Enjoyment Factor: 4
Dialogue: 3
Acting: 2
Direction: 3
Audio/Visual: 6
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